Boat Plans Bartender | What the boat ads really mean

Boat Plans Bartender

IF YOU’VE EVER tried to buy a boat on Craigslist you’ll know that sometimes the description of the boat does not quite accord with reality.  It’s not that people selling boats actually tell lies in their advertisements, but as Poo-Bah said in The Mikado, their descriptions are often “merely corroborative detail, intended to lend artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.”

What is needed, of course, is a translator, someone who can interpret the meaning of a boat advertisement into language the man on the dock can understand. Well, here I am. And here are phrases that you will often read on Craigslist, coupled with their hidden meanings:

— Perfect for liveaboards . . . If you dare set foot ashore, she’ll sink.

— A cockpit designed for blue-water voyaging . . . Room for just one person.
— Original sails . . . Has needed new main and jib for years.
—  Survey report from 2014 available . . . Just before the Travelift dropped her on the hard.

—  Engine regularly and meticulously serviced . . . That is, once every seven years, coinciding with every major breakdown.

— This one could do with a little TLC . . . Fell out of her cradle in the last hurricane.

— One owner from new . . . Hasn’t been able to sell her all these years.
— An early design by this famous naval architect  . . . The one from which he learned how not to design boats.
— Charming cabin with delightful decor . . . No room to swing a cat.

— Drifter rarely used . . . Not since the ship’s cat ripped a great tear in it, anyway.

— Built like a brick outhouse . . .  And makes comparable progress through the water.

— Excellent family cruiser . . . Kiddy goo everywhere. Two teddy bears and one plastic elephant blocking the head.
— Lovingly maintained and regularly  upgraded by owner . . . Owned by a chronic fiddler whose imprudent meddling has substantially lessened the boat’s value.
— Proven blue-water boat . . . Has lots of useless worn-out blue-water gear that needs replacing.

— Awesome finish . . . The owner has power-polished his way right through the gelcoat.

Today’s Thought

Truth-telling, I have found, is the key to responsible citizenship. The thousands of criminals I have seen in 40 years of law enforcement have had one thing in common: Every single one was a liar.

— J. Edgar Hoover, “What Would I Tell a Son,” Family Weekly, 14 Jul 63

Tailpiece

“Why are you stopping here?”

“This is Lovers’ Lane.”

“I suppose this is your ‘out of gas’ routine.”

“No, no, this is my ‘hereafter’ routine.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, if you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone.”

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

 

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Boat Plans Bruce Roberts | Squeezing in berths and heads

Boat Plans Bruce Roberts

A READER called Eric asks: “Why do boat builders insist on putting TWO toilets/heads in a boat as small as 32 feet? Cmon, how many 400-square-foot apartments/houses on land have two bathrooms?”

Well, Eric, if I had to take a flying guess I’d say it was the boatbuilder’s sales department that demanded two heads. Apparently it’s a major selling point, especially among the fairer sex. It’s the same reason that builders insist on putting six berths in a four-berth boat, and four berths in a two-berth boat. The sales manager wants to be able to boast that his 25-footer is a family boat that can accommodate Mom, Pop, and four kids on weekend jaunts, unlike the competition whose 26-footer only has berths for two adults and two kids.

It sounds better in the ads, and looks good in the color brochure, but no boat designer in his right mind would come up with this idea on his own. He knows better than anyone how awkward and inconvenient too many berths are in a small boat, and what a wicked waste of space. He also knows how little time people spend in the head and how hard it is to compensate for the extra space a second head steals from the interior.

But he has to earn an honest nickel, and the boatbuilder is the boss, so he grinds his teeth and squeezes in a couple of berths here and a couple of heads there, knowing full well that he’s creating a travesty of boat design.

There are a few traditional designs that follow more normal rules of practical and esthetic design and, ironically, they usually cost a lot more than the plastic Best Westerns that fill our marinas.

So, Eric, I’m afraid there’s only one thing left to do, and that’s to take yourself to an old-fashioned naval architect and commission him or her to design you a boat with as few bunks and heads as you consider appropriate. You will instantly become that architect’s dream customer, and you might even feel your feet being kissed, but whether you’ll be able to find a builder willing to create this aberrant kind of boat, one so far removed from the modern norm, is quite another matter.

Today’s Thought

Change doth unknit the tranquil strength of men.

— Matthew Arnold, A Question 

Tailpiece

“Did you visit that spiritualist last night?”

“Yeah.”

“Was she a good one?”

“No, just a medium.”

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Boat Plans Bolger | Where are the anchor rollers

Boat Plans Bolger

WHEN I WALK AROUND our local marina I can hardly believe how many boats lack anchor rollers. What were the manufacturers thinking? Thirty footers and bigger, without any proper means of retrieving the anchor and its rode. Did they imagine their boats would never anchor, from choice or necessity?

In my humble opinion, no boat over 20 feet in length should be allowed to leave the factory without a proper anchor roller at the bow.

Anyone who has ever tried to weigh anchor by hand in a boat without a bow roller knows how awkward and difficult it is. Consequently, you’ll notice that all sorts of after-market rollers get bolted on by boat owners seeking to ease the pain of retrieving the anchor. Some of them look far too flimsy for the job. Some stick out from behind the forestay at an odd angle. Others have to be bolted on top of a bed of teak to bring them to the correct level.

And they’re not cheap, either. A reasonably sized one that will house the anchor costs in the region of $100 to $200 with shipping. And then you have all the fun of fitting it yourself.

I can only imagine that unscrupulous boat manufacturers deliberately omit a bow roller in an effort to keep the selling price down a few bucks. It’s a wicked practice, like selling a new car without a horn, or without a spare tire. If I was in charge of the boat-manufacturing industry I would make it a federal crime to sell a boat without an anchor roller. But since they’re never likely to elect me to that position, the situation is unlikely to change unless we all start complaining to our representatives in Congress.

Never mind health care for the moment. Never mind ISIS and Afghanistan. Forget all that for now. Surprise your elected U.S. representative. Ask him or her to sponsor legislation about bow rollers. You never know. It might be such a refreshing change from the same-old, same-old, that Washington DC could catch fire with enthusiasm for compulsory bow rollers. And if that means some boat manufacturers will end up behind bars, so be it. They deserve it.

Today’s Thought

The law is the last result of human wisdom acting upon human experience for the benefit of the public.

—Samuel Johnson, Miscellanies

Tailpiece

“Did you realize that old Joe survived mustard gas and pepper spray?”

“No. How’s he doing?”

“Oh he’s now a seasoned veteran.”

 

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